Truth time.

I experience intense feelings of anxiety.

I used to speak about my experience with anxiety in the past tense, like it was something that used to happen to me. Giving the impression I’ve perhaps dissolved this feeling from my being. I also speak about feelings of anxiety being caused by traumatic experiences in my past as if I to try to prove it has a valid reason for being there. I used to place depression and anxiety in a little box of time and place in my life like it was ‘just a phase’ and it would be very easy for people to think I was over it.

Much of the above is true. I have experienced a lot of serious trauma in my life that certainly created times of intense anxiety and black clouds of depression. However, anxiety arises in me not just in strong connected ways that I can make sense of.  It also arises in completely unexpected ways that can’t be given an immediate reason or connection. What I have learned and discovered, is that over the years since childhood, that trauma has seeped deep into my body and my subconscious. This greatly impacts my ability to regulate my fragile nervous system and has created beliefs around my sense of safety, that can unconsciously trigger me into confusing states of fear and anxiety that I can’t always immediately explain.

I thought I needed to be fixed….

Stepping into the personal development world, I always thought I had to present a part of me that was ‘fixed’ or ‘sorted’ or had all the answers. Project a wise all-knowing image that if you take this action, follow these steps, change your thought process then you’ll achieve success. My learning was so cognitive based that although my mind had all this information, tools, and insight, I continued to ignore my body and the ocean of feelings, sensing and emotions that lived there and continued to battle with my emotional health and feeling like a fraud. It’s no wonder that so many professionals in the personal development world suffer from Imposter Syndrome. Thoughts of ‘Who am I to be advising this person?’ when the reality of my own life doesn’t match up to the answers.

When I began training to become a life coach, the system I was taught was purely a linear one.

1. Set your goal.

2. Set the date you want to achieve it.

3. Forget your limiting beliefs (apparently its that easy).

4. Create a plan of steps to get you there and off you go!

   SIMPLES! Right?

Imposter syndrome had already set in for me because at the time, my life was definitely not going in a straight line. I couldn’t set goals, I certainly couldn’t set dates and I had no idea what steps were ahead of me as I was living with a huge amount of uncertainty, fear and was deeply questioning what life was all about anyway.

Mother Nature opened a new door for me…

The day I began walking attentively in Nature was the beginning of something life changing for me, but not in the sense that may suggest to many. It didn’t fix me to be this truly positive, successful Guru. I didn’t say’ ahhh that’s it, I can sit back and relax now. I’ve done it, I’ve found the key to it all’

What I didn’t realise at the beginning of that journey was that I would begin to uncover what it meant to be whole.

 

Mother Nature has shown me what it means to live a whole life. She has taught me the importance of light AND dark in order to grow, expand and be the fullest version of myself.

 

I used to say ‘Be the best or brightest version of yourself’ and whilst there is nothing wrong with wanting to be bright and radiate light energy, these phrases can be misleading because there is a huge collective belief out there that we must always aspire to and embody light aspects of life and always be switched ON. This can cause us to run away from our darkness or feel shame when these aspects arise because we clearly aren’t doing this success or happiness thing right. So, we push them away, hide them behind us from the outside world and pretend to ourselves they’re not there. They become our shadows, but shadows are always there, and follow us everywhere. Our neglected darkness continues to whisper or cry out to us, in need of our attention and we continue to ignore it whilst secret feelings of guilt, fear and shame run wild in the locked away depths of our being and our truth.

 

The term ‘Shadow Work’ is gaining more and more attention as we move through this great collective time of awakening to know who we truly are. As we begin to remove all the false layers created from the need for power, control and image. It has most certainly been the most powerful aspect of my personal evolution and the journey I have been on to know myself. Learning to explore my shadow and uncover all the dark aspects about myself that I thought I needed to hide away.

 

Learning to love all the parts of me, the light and the dark, in the understanding that I need them all to feel whole.

 

Realising that if I only aspire to live in my light and ignore my darkness, I will never feel a sense of ease and acceptance about the whole picture of who I am. That I will forever continue down a path of masking and pretending and will never taste the experience of living in truth and authenticity, no matter how raw and frightening that may feel at times and no matter what other people may think of me.

Nature showed me the importance of light and dark…

 

Carl Jung created the term ‘Shadow Self’ and Mother Nature showed me the embodied example of embracing and harnessing light and dark for continued growth and evolution. A seed must be planted into the darkness of the soil If it stands a chance of growing. Its growth begins in that darkness until the moment its first shoot breaks through the soil and emerges into the light. Although that seed has discovered the light, it doesn’t suddenly cut itself off from its roots and try to grow only on the surface. Its roots are vital to its continued growth and as the shoot grows taller into the light, the roots grow deeper and stronger into the darkness. The beauty we see on the surface can only be made possible by those roots underground.

 

One of the fundamental facts of life that we forget as humans is ‘We are Nature’, we are not separate from Nature, we are a species of Nature that has evolved on this planet over millions of years just like all the other living breathing species of animals, plants, and fungi we share our home with. So, that concept of the seed needing light and dark to survive is a requirement for us too. Humans need light and dark. Not just in the physical sense for sleep regulation but in an emotional sense too. We need to cycle through light and dark to keep learning, keep growing, keep expanding. In Kahil Gibran’s beautiful poem ‘On Joy and Sorrow’, he explains how they are entwined and that the height of our joy can only be achieved by the depth of our sorrow.

 

When we label we limit…

 

Humans are so well practised at labelling everything in life ‘Good or Bad’ and emotions get the same treatment.

 

Joy, excitement, pride, confidence = GOOD!!!

Anger, fear, jealousy, grief, guilt = BAAAAAD

 

What if we begin to believe collectively that all these emotions are simply part of the human experience and play a vital role in our existence, our story, and our life journey. What if we could express all these supposedly ‘bad’ emotions in healthy ways without fear of judgement or shame so that we can instead begin to explore them, hold them, nurture, and accept them. What a relief to be able to be able to express how you feel in a safe and secure way knowing that all your feelings are valid and worthy. That there is no right or wrong in your feeling, there is only your truth, and that truth should have permission to be heard and owned.

 

Our bodies are suffocating…

 

Medical science has proven that there can be serious consequences in supressing our emotions. Pushing down these perceived dark emotions like anger, grief, fear, and sadness. Stress related illness is vast among our species. Insomnia, heart problems, diabetes, autoimmune and circulatory conditions can all be caused by un-processed stress. The rise in addiction is also a huge indicator of our need to numb out those feelings we fear or feel shame about because of this collective ‘good and bad’ labelling. The addiction is an escape because we don’t feel safe enough to explore and express our emotions and believe they need to be hidden away. Its easier to take that pill, drink that bottle or consume that food than it is to face the emotion that is raging inside.

 

Getting out of my head and into my body….

 

Its through this process of seeing the wisdom in Nature around me and exploring my own shadow, that I am beginning to make more space and allowance for the feelings of anxiety that continue to rise up in me. By writing this blog I’m being honest and allowing myself to be vulnerable. Instead of running away from this emotion and the sensation that comes with it, I am trying to sit with it a little more. I’m trying to listen to my body and see what it needs. I recognise that when these feelings and sensations arise in my body, my mind seeks to attach a reason and a narrative to give a cognitive explanation. Stories of blame, guilt and shame are presented to me in the mind and give fuel to the emotion, allowing it to grow stronger. When the mind wins, it consumes me. I go into freeze mode feeling helpless and utterly overwhelmed. If I’m able to catch the emotion early I can get past the trappings of the mind and drop down into my body.

 

In removing the cognitive explanation or minds contribution, I am free to observe and connect with the physical and primal aspects of the emotion. The quickening of my heartbeat, the breath becoming constricted and shallow, the churning in my stomach and the heaviness in my solar plexus. Without the need to ask why these feelings are present, I’m able to listen, observe and offer my body some non-judgemental attention.

 

Instead of seeking answers in the mind I listen to what my body needs.

 

When I remember my body is Nature, I remember I need to be cared for in similar ways to a plant or tree. I need more oxygen, so I begin to slow and deepen my breath. I need nourishment so I drink water and eat something healthy. I need rest so I remind myself to slow down or stop completely. I need to be present, so I take a look around me and connect with the here and now. I need love so I tell myself I’m OK and I’m safe and whisper kind words to the anxiety raging within me. Sometimes the anxiety needs to scream or rage so I give space and permission for it to be safely heard without guilt or shame, knowing that anxiety also comes from supressed anger, and that anger has a valid place in my life experience too.

 

Anxiety is like a caged wild animal for me….

 

Through this process of getting to know anxiety on a somatic level I’ve begun to imagine it like a caged wild animal that wants to be set free. A restlessness and frightened feeling of an animal pacing within me on high alert desperate to escape and run wild. An angry, snarling and frenzied beast that is trapped and terrified and needs to be in wide open spaces.

I guess that’s why walking out into Nature has always been so powerful for me because it exactly embodies that sense of setting myself free into the wild. I can leave the complicated layers of thought, opinion, pressure and information of the human cognitive world and step into a place where my body takes the lead and can commune with its natural home. The feelings of anxiety and overwhelm that I feel immediately begin to melt away because the body is being tended to instead of the mind holding tight control of the reins.  

 

I feel spacious, my senses are heightened, my breath naturally deepens, and my heart rate softens. My gaze rolls gently over the plants and trees and my ears are flooded with birdsong and insect calls. I’m not hemmed in by 4 walls and can see far ahead and above me, breathing in the expanse of it all.

I’m not caged, I’m free.

 

 

I am enough and so are you…

 

The energy from the plants and trees around me begins to connect with an energy within me. An energy that is always there but gets neglected in our unhealthy pursuit as humans to constantly be more. An energy that speaks to my Nature self, that is grounding and calm and accepting and tells me I am enough. That I don’t need all the answers and I can trust in my unfolding. That I don’t need to prove myself and will always be a beautiful work in progress, continually growing, evolving, moving through cycles and seasons of light and dark, birth and death, endings, and beginnings. That there is no one destination I need to get to, and I can grow in many ways physically, emotionally, spiritually, and playfully.

 

Every time I step into a wild space of Nature, I am reminded of my truth as a human being and species of Nature. Then, when I step back into the human world I am faced with those same pressures, worries, expectation and overwhelm but,  

 

the balance is tipping, and I am becoming more Nature.

 

My journey of cultivating a meaningful and intentional connection with Nature is imprinted on me now. My Nature self has grown a strong voice within me and repeatedly calls me home to myself and the truth of who I really am. When anxiety rages, I try to listen to what this wild emotion needs. I give permission for the light and dark to dwell within me knowing that however difficult it feels, it is a part of my whole self.

 

I open the cage door, step into the open spaces of Mother Nature and set my inner wild free.